Love, actually, at 26: A ‘gentle’ lesbian relationship with an agreed-upon end date

‘We have discussed openly and early that we do not want to be together forever and have our own independent goals in our careers and lives.’

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Age: 26

Gender: Woman

Sexuality: Lesbian

Ethnicity: Māori and Pākehā

Religion: Atheist

Occupation: Lawyer

Length of relationship: Six months

Children: None

How we met: Hinge!

The best thing about my relationship: How kind we are to one another. We have both been in long-term relationships in our early twenties that were not good for us in the end, for various reasons, so I really cherish how gentle, patient and kind we are to one another. I really enjoy being able to communicate clearly and conscientiously and provide emotional support for them and know that they will give the same back.

A problem we can’t seem to resolve: Bed temperature. I run incredibly hot and they run cold so we’re always having to find blanket layering and ways to cuddle that enable us both to be the right temp. Tips welcome!

This is how we share/separate our finances: We have completely split finances and tend to take turns paying for more expensive dates, otherwise it’s a 50/50 split each time.

This is how we split chores and childcare: We don’t live together so we tend to keep each of our spaces tidy and tidy up after the other when they’re at our house. I have quite a _particular_ way of doing things and they’re very patient about me telling them to (metaphorically and sometimes literally) stand in the corner while I do it.

Our sex life in three words: Thriving, comfortable, incredible.

The thing that makes me a good partner: I think that I am very direct with what I want and need at this point in my life, and I have been very clear with them about that. I think that means I am able to care for them in the deepest and most loving way possible because I do not feel like I am compromising big parts of myself to get the bare minimum back.

The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: I think I can be a bit short and impatient (see above about doing chores myself to do it right). I think I need to release control of a lot of the smaller things in my life so this is a general work on.

What I most appreciate in my partner: Their thoughtfulness. They are always going above and beyond and making me feel so seen, heard and cared for. Even just in the smallest things, like checking on my food with a waiter when I am waiting at a restaurant.

What I most resent in my relationship: I don’t harbour any resentments! We’re very good at talking it out and taking our own space and time.

The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time: I think we started seeing one another in a way that we knew it was different to other dates/dating we’d done but maybe not wanting to immediately acknowledge we wanted to be in a relationship. We have become way more secure in that as we have gone on.

It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: That it has an end date. We have discussed openly and early that we do not want to be together forever and have our own independent goals in our careers and lives, including independent travel and moving overseas alone. We are really with each other for this season of our life and when it’s time to move on, we will.

Our last big fight was about: We have never fought! I really feel so secure and balanced in this relationship. My last had a lot of friction towards the end, so it’s so nice to be able to not feel anxious all the time about pissing them off and ending up in conflict. We talk! We’re kind! It’s great.

If I hadn’t met my partner: I think I’d be single, maybe still dating a little. I actually matched with them when I had hopped back on Hinge after a short time off and had planned to take a break from the very small Wellington lesbian dating pool.

I expect my relationship to last until: One of us wants to move overseas. Likely the end of next year.

My relationship advice is: Ten minutes of an uncomfortable conversation is way easier than months of pain. I wish I had been better at practising this in my last relationship, but it’s something I am taking forward with me now!

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